Procrastination

Procrastination is certainly a topic I ought to be able to write a few words about. I’ve been procrastinating all of my life, since long before I even knew the word to describe it! If a task can be delayed, I will delay it.

According to Mirriam-Webster, “procrastinate implies blameworthy delay especially through laziness or apathy.” It does seem like a major personality flaw. In my case, it has caused me a lot of self-recrimination. For years, I thought of myself as a lazy person. Other than my habit of putting things off, though, I do not shirk hard work. It may look like I don’t care, but I know that I do.

Often, I have found that the procrastinator suffers the most for their actions. I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve had, trying to meet a deadline for something that I’d put off until the last moment. Shame and embarrassment are frequent companions. Though this has been a tendency I’ve struggled against for most of my life, it has never been “fun.”

I’ve read several books on procrastination, to try to get understanding that might help me to overcome it. Some suggest that procrastination isn’t really a “thing” on its own. It is a symptom, only. It has been suggested that it is one way that perfectionism manifests itself: for fear of not doing a job perfectly, it won’t get done at all. It is high on the list of indicators for ADHD. And sadly, it is often attributed, once again, to lack of motivation, disorganization, and laziness.

I’ve also read a good collection of books on motivation, on forming good and lasting habits, on getting things done. In some areas, I have improved. Still, procrastination is a part of my life. Sometimes, it is because a project is daunting. An overwhelming task is ripe for being put off. Organizing the studio was one of those things, put off for more than two years!

Sometimes, it’s because I’m afraid I won’t live up to my idea; this happens quite a bit where creativity is concerned. Essays aren’t written and painting aren’t actualized…out of fear that I’m not up to the task. I have a series of thirteen large collograph plates based on Native American moons. I made them more than five years ago. After much delay, I printed one of them, was not happy with the result, and have not made an attempt since.

Sometimes, the job being put on the back burner is tedious, or boring. I have a long list of items that fit this category. To read, there is the paperwork sent to me from my supplemental insurance company, the annual Medicare book, and a few articles clipped or saved to read “later.” Paperwork is always high on the list of things that get procrastinated in my house. Instructions for how to assemble my new broad fork cultivator (standing unassembled in my kitchen for 2 weeks), and how to set up my Waterpik (waiting on the ledge over the bathroom sink for a year!), among others. My income tax paperwork for last year is still not even started, already past the April 15th deadline.

This behavior of putting off only adds tension to my life. It makes me embarrassed, ashamed and disappointed in myself. It is not fun. But I can’t deny, procrastination seems to be a permanent fixture in my life.