I have taken this weekend off. Not free of all responsibility. Not traveling. No vacation, except from my job in town, at the hardware store.
I have been struggling to fit everything in, that needs to be done in my life. I have been behind in everything. My personal stuff gets set aside first: studio time, the garden, yard maintenance, housework, laundry, reading time, relaxing time…for the pressing obligations of work.
The hardware store is easy, in its way. I go in, work hard, come home. I don’t have to carry it with me. I am busy enough that other obligations are – of necessity – set aside. I don’t stay awake at night with what is left to do.
The work I do for my aunt is not hard. I shake rugs, dust, vacuum, sweep and mop floors. Sometimes there are beds to make up after visitors; sometimes do a little grocery shopping for her. It’s a pleasure. The only thing that makes it difficult is that I work it in to my own schedule. Aunt Katie is so agreeable about when I come, it’s easy for me to procrastinate. Then, before I know it, it is jammed in with several other last minute obligations.
The news-magazine is what catches me. It keeps me awake at night with worry over things not done. It fills me with guilt for every free moment that I am not spending on catching up with things that are behind. I am frustrated at my seeming inability to do it right. I struggle. But then, I get tired of the struggle, the constant, nagging worry, the piles of things to complete, the lack of time.
I waste time. I procrastinate. I shut down. Defiantly, I tell myself, “I need time for myself, too!” Yet it is not time spent mowing the lawn or doing one of a dozen organizing jobs around the house, or even doing productive work in my studio. I would feel too guilty taking time for personal obligations over this job I have taken on. It is time spent going through Email or flipping through a magazine, making lists or playing word games. Then there is guilt, and depression, and no progress. In any area.
This weekend is my gift to myself. I started today with a two-mile walk before my morning coffee, and a couple chores. I am making a check list of things I want to do. I cannot get everything caught up, but I will see some headway! Starting now!