I found my camera! It was in plain sight, in the front seat of my car, where I had looked for it at least five times.
I found my beret, missing more than a year, in the back of my aunt’s mainland car.
I found my hardware work apron, on a high shelf in an upstairs storage area, while bringing out the holiday decorations. I’ve been looking for it since I went back to work there, almost two years ago.
I lost my new pedometer, sometime during my travels last week. I hope it wasn’t left in a motel room, and that it turns up when I do a thorough search here.
I took the camera today, and went looking for color on this warm, gray day.
Our snow is gone, except in patches. Puddles punctuate the paths and walkways that were white just a few days ago. The warmer temperatures have caused Beaver Island to be enveloped in a misty fog.
My mood follows the weather.
I went walking to clear my muddled mind, as well.
New opportunities have opened up, making me excited and fearful and confused.
I’ve never been good with change, even when change is for the good.
I talk to myself one way…
A grand opportunity! A new challenge! A chance to learn and grow. A creative outlet for me! A perfect mesh of all of my talents! I can do this…I must do this…I will do this!
…and then I tell the other side…
I don’t know how to do this! I have none of the equipment or materials…or skills for that matter. What talent?! This is a perfect recipe for failure! My ineptitude made public! A grand humiliation!
A quote smiles down at me from where it hangs above my desk:
“A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” (John A. Shedd)
Another acts as a reminder:
“Rise from your bed of languor.
Rise from your bed of dismay.
Your friends will not come tomorrow
As they did not come today.
You must rely on yourself, they said,
You must rely on yourself.” (Stevie Smith)
And I know I have to go forward with this, fear and confusion be damned.
And do my best.
So…I’ll be shuffling other things in my life around for a while, trying to make everything of importance fit, and maybe finding a way to eliminate a bit of the extraneous. Not this…for this writing practice is the one solid, consistent thing that I can site as a success in my life, when everything else is languishing in neglect.
As I make lists of pros and cons, what is working and what isn’t, and what my ideal life would look like, it occurs to me that I’m pretty old to still be on that search…but I’m not ready, yet, to resign myself to just this life that I’m living.
So, I’ll accept a new challenge, with hope that I will have found my true calling…or at least something exciting on the way to it!