Here I Go Again

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dec 19 and 21 081

I am sixty-two years old.

I’ve been down this road before.

Seems like I’d learn my lesson.

Obviously not.

It begins like this: I am perhaps mildly depressed, suffering from a bit of malaise, lonely, bored, or just have a little too much time on my hands. My attention will be drawn to something that is not quite right. That “something” will generally fall into one of two categories.

The first is home repair. I’ll notice a patchy wall, a leaky faucet or an uncomfortable furniture arrangement.

The second is my hair. Always nearby; always in need of help.

No matter how I try to distract myself, once noticed, the offensive “something” will not go away. I may be able to delay action…for hours, or even days…but it will eventually win out.

It continues this way: I will jump in and take action. Euphoric at first, I will delve in to that five-gallon bucket of drywall compound, pull all furniture out of a room to get a fresh perspective, start disassembling a faucet…or begin perming, dying or cutting my hair.

During this phase of the operation, if I were thinking out loud, you’d hear things like this:

“Do drywall finishers even train for that job? I bet they just do it, and learn by doing. Who couldn’t do this?”

“Plumbers obviously make too much money! It’s the mystery of it all. If people would just jump in and try it…look how easily everything comes apart!”

Hairdresser is just a title. Mother’s have been cutting their own children’s hair for hundreds of years! What did people do before we had hairdressers? It’s just a matter of cutting it evenly, isn’t it?”

That blessed phase gives way to doubt:

“This isn’t going as far as it should. I wonder if I’ll have to buy another bucket of this stuff. This [table knife/ piece of cardboard/ spatula] might not be the best tool for the job…”

“Now that I have it all apart, I wonder where the problem is…”

“Oh, so I’m clearly not the first person to think of pulling all of my hair into a ponytail on top of my head, and cutting it off. That must be how the “mullet” was invented. And there is no way to cut the back without being ambidextrous…”

Desperation leads to poor choices:

“Maybe I’ll actually go for that deep stucco look…like the walls in early Taco Bell restaurants…”

“…wonder if I turn the water back on?”

“Possibly if I cut every single strand the exact same distance from my head…if I can find the tape measure…”

Which then devolves into failure:

“Clearly this product should not be falling off the wall in big, damp chunks…AND IT”S TAKING PIECES OF THE WALL DOWN WITH IT!!

“…Dear God, please let me just get this back together the way it was so I can call the plumber…”

“If I call in sick to work, and beg the hairdresser to get me in before hours…in secret…and maybe I could tell her that my hair was caught in machinery…or that I was drunk…”

It almost always goes this way.

I should know better.

Clearly, I don’t.

Though the wind is howling and there’s snow coming down and the roads are slippery…

Though this is my day off, and it would be nice to be able to stay home all day getting the house back in order, with soup on the stove and bread in the oven, with a good book waiting by my chair to read when I take a break…

Not this day.

Some foolish person – that refuses to learn her lesson – cut her own hair last night.

IF the hairdresser will see me, I think I’ll leave my warm house and go out in this weather to go get a real haircut.

They are trained professionals, after all!

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13 responses »

  1. I find the best tool for finishing spackling or at least small dry wall repairs is a plastic credit type card. Faucet leaks it are normally solved by replacing those little springs and black cup shaped seals. (You work in a hardware?)
    I’m told you can find videos for most home repairs on You tube, but I would definitely leave hair cutting short of shaving ones head to the professionals.

    • Yes, Bob, I work in a hardware. That means I know where the plumbing aisle is. Often, even, where to find a part from that aisle. It does NOT mean (contrary to popular opinion) that I know how to do plumbing! Thanks for reading, and for your comments!

  2. I stay away from home repair items since the time I took my sewing machine apart to fix something minor. (After a few years I put all the parts and the body of the sewing machine in a plastic bag and dumped them all in the trash.)

    I’ve had several hair emergencies from cutting my own hair. This past spring I cut my bangs really short because they were ugly and annoying. After I cut them off, my ‘do’ looked foolish but at least I was comfortable. Now my bangs have grown back to being ugly and annoying and if I just let them alone, they might be long enough to pull back by next spring if I can make it through Cabin Fever time without getting scissor-happy,…

    • I know! I once explained my hair cutting by saying, “my hair was long, my life was hell…it just seemed there must be a correlation!” Thanks for reading,Gretchen, and good luck with the bangs!

  3. I could not repair anything even in desperation. But it all seems easy enough until analyzed.:-) Hair is another thing but only if you wear a very simple style such as a pony tail. I got a good laugh from this post.

    • I tell myself that anyone can cut hair into a bob, even me.I should remember the dozens of bad salon haircuts I’ve gotten, for a simple bob. Thanks, Yvonne, for reading and for these comments.

  4. I shouldn’t laugh at your misfortune but I cant get over you cutting your own hair! hope you got it sorted and thanks for continuing to blog all through this month you set yourself a huge challenge and your doing great x N.

    • Thank you! I didn’t realize what a daunting task it would be to just come up with material to write about! Luckily, I can always depend on myself doing something foolish that is good for an essay or two! Thanks for reading, and for your comments!

  5. OMG! I’ve never even thought of cutting my own hair, much less done it. Even a small trim is left to a professional because I know I’d totally blow it. I give you credit for having the confidence to try it, and I give you pity for any bad results. Hope everything turned out okay!

    • Well, the hairdresser has been busy so I haven’t gotten in for the much needed repair and evening up job yet…and no one has gasped or stared, a few have given me compliments and were amazed when I told them I cut it myself. In my favor: I have thick, slightly wavy hair that hides a ton of mistakes as long as I leave the “problem areas” alone. Which, thankfully, I have finally learned to do! That said, I don’t recommend it. Thanks forreading, Sara, and for your comments!

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