Rambling

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I’ve just spent a full ten minutes debating about whether this title should be “Rambling” – as in “I have been rambling around in the woods” – or “Ramblings”, like a series of random thoughts.

No kidding!

I got up and circled the chair, to look at it from a distance. I put the “S” on and then took it back off again.

More than once!

I even – briefly – considered replacing the “g” with an apostrophe…as in “I’m a ramblin’ man.”

That’s the way my mind is working these days.

Rambling.

I haven’t been sleeping well.

I was wide awake through much of last night. The little dog had gone outside to pee at three o’clock, and I’d gone to the bathroom to do the same. When I came out, she was already at the door, peering in, anxious to get out of the weather. Back in bed, she quivered and moaned in her sleep, breathing fast, heart pounding. When the other dog does that, I attribute it to dreams of chasing squirrels. I wasn’t so quick to let it go, in this case. Had she been terror-stricken when I wasn’t right there at the door to let her in? What went through her little dog-mind for those few moments alone out there in the dark and snow? Was that to blame for her restless sleep now?

After mulling that over for too long in the early morning hours, I turned my attention elsewhere. My notes for art class were brought out for examination and review. My finances then came to the forefront, were worried over and set aside. A grant I’ll be writing was given its due. Next, a hangnail that’s been bothering me, and achy joints, and the persistent tickle in my throat.

Finally, my thoughts turned to my sister Nita who, truth be told, is the cause for my restless nights.

She was sick in bed over Christmas…got worse when she expected to get better…went finally to the hospital…and no good news came of that.

Last week my sister Brenda and her husband drove from Michigan to Florida and back, to collect Nita and her few belongings so that she can be surrounded by friends and family that love her.

She saw a specialist yesterday…is having more tests and procedures today…and will likely begin a difficult treatment regimen next week. It’s not a good prognosis, in any case.

When I spoke to her, she said, “Yeah, I’m dying,” and gave a bit of a laugh. Dad and our sister, Sheila, fill her dreams, she said. “I’m sorry to put you guys through this again,” she told me.

“Don’t worry about us,” I said, “Take care of yourself!”

In the middle of the night, seems I can do enough worrying for all of us.

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About cindyricksgers

I am an artist. I live on an island in northern Lake Michigan, USA. I have two grown daughters, four strong, smart and handsome grandsons and one beautiful, intelligent and charming granddaughter. I live with two spoiled dogs. I love walking in the woods around my home, reading, writing and playing in my studio.

18 responses »

  1. mid night worries always seem the worst. I think during the day we are able to distract ourselves better. When someone we love is dying, there is no way to sugarcoat the news for our self and so our thoughts go round and round, and often get darker and darker. May angels surround you and all your family during this heartbreaking time.

    • Thanks for these kind words, Joss. Nita feels strongly that Dad and Sheila have been in her dreams to let her know they’ll be there to welcome her. Anything that brings her some comfort is a good thing.

  2. Oh, Cindy, many blessings for you, Nita and your family. Many of our families are facing this right now, as well. It’s hard to say goodbye to loved ones.

    • It is so hard! I know I’m not alone in this. In many ways grief is shared with other family members and friends and with others who have experienced similar loss. Yet in many ways we are each alone with our grief, with what specific people mean to us and what the loss will feel like. We share what we can, and endure what we must. Thank you for these understanding words!

  3. Oh, Cindy, I’m so sorry your sister is sick. No wonder you’re having trouble sleeping. I’ll be thinking about you, your sister and the rest of your family. Hugs and blessings to al of you during this difficult time!

    Kathy

  4. Oh, Cindy, I am so sorry…I think that’s the part of growing older that I dislike the most — all the things to worry about, not only for ourselves, but all of our loved ones, too. I will keep your family in my prayers through this. I know you guys will manage to find the beauty through the pain. So glad you can be together.

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